Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
