You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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