I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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