I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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