I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
