The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
