I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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