Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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