you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
