The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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