Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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