i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
