So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
