listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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