a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
