As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
