I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
