She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
