I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
