Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
