I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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