clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
this just has baby written all over it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
