its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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