Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
