dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
