My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
