I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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