Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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