i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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