bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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