Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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