i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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