Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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