I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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