apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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