just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
