God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
