It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
