It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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