2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
