hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
