Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
