woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
