That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.