dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...