Apparently you make a good broom.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.