it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's shark week go big or go home
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
