I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
