mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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