nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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