I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
