Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
