i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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