my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
