why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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