i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
