I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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