she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
