Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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