11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
